Guest Author: Matt Molgaard with ‘Say No To Drugs’
Read on for some pharmaceutical advice!
Take it away Matt…
3 Terrifying Side Effects of Mixing Drugs and Horror
If I’m going to chase this dream as a hungry zombie would chase a prime piece of living flesh, I’m going to do so with an eye removed from skull, looking closely at the embarrassing image of myself. I’m going to be honest. From the now to the then, I don’t plan on dodging questions, pretending to be something I’m not or allowing public opinion to sway my own impression of myself.
Matt Molgaard is, was and always will be Matt Molgaard.
Why in the hell is any of that relevant?
Because the things I write about will reflect aspects of my own life, away from the keyboard and the internet. The Matt Molgaard you don’t necessarily see. Say No to Drugs is stuffed with references to actual events I’ve experienced. Full of inspiration birthed in miserably uncomfortable moments of my own youth. The point is, while I’m not proud of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, at just 33 years old I have been there, and I have done that.
That’s why I hope you take the following notes seriously. I’ve got three excellent reasons to steer you from the idea of blending drugs and horror. They could save your life.
Paranoia Will Drive a Man to Do Strange Things
Here’s what you don’t do, if you hope to uphold a fair reputation with local police: Take pharmaceuticals after consuming three or more beers. There’s a strange sense of paranoia that swarms the mind in this situation. Everyone is your enemy. Your best friend could very well be bending your wife over the coffee table while you’re away at work developing blisters on both hands, and – you’re not positive since you can’t get a great look, but you’re pretty sure – your chode. Your mother may have been the conniving devil that stole the $300 you were certain you had prior to your trip to the local bar on Saturday, but went “mysteriously” missing on Sunday morning. The paranoia will swallow you whole, I swear it!
Drinking, Driving and Role Playing is Terrible
Who hasn’t gotten a little sloshed and thought, I’d love to relive that ‘pedestrian point’ scene in Toxic Avenger! I mean, really? Come on, we’re all a little sick… right? What—ever! The point is, it is a terrible idea to hit your local cinema and catch the new chiller on the big screen right before you head to the nearby bar, right before you’ve got to drive your drunken, fantastical ass home. You just never know what turn may be a bit sharper than you’d anticipated, what late night bike rider may be just a bit too far outside the bike lane.
Drinking, driving and watching awesome horror movies doesn’t work well. Great movies inspire us. Great alcohol provides us with enough courage to defy all established rules and role playing has never led to anything positive… outside of the bedroom.
Smoking Weed Leads to Driving Slow, Which Leads to an Ultra-Violent Ass Whipping in Public
This one can potentially be the most painful to experience, and I’ll be damned if it isn’t real. Smoking weed, if you don’t know, slows response time. Our reactions lag. Our decision making falters. Sure, we get it all together, eventually. But imagine the insanity that can unfold during that eventually time stretch.
Close your eyes.
You’re sitting in a car, stopped at a red light. Time is dragging, and despite the reasonable weather you’ve got a bead of sweat trickling over your right brow. You aren’t doing jack shit physically, but you can hear your heart beat. It’s pounding. It’s pounding inside your head, the sound pressure bullying your ear drums and you’re pretty fucking sure the whole world can hear that son of a bitch doing the jackhammer. And then you realize (keep those eyes closed!) it’s not your heart that you’re hearing beating frantically, it’s a man. He’s standing outside your car window with no shirt on, and he’s pounding your window with zero regard for your property or personal well-being.
And then the driver’s side window shatters. Seconds pass and you’re being hauled out of your Prius. A few more ticks pass on the clock you can’t see and the impact of two fists on your face have your brain running in circles. This lunatic beats you until your orbital bones have shattered. Your jaw hangs at an unnatural angle and your lolling tongue verifies the belief that not only are you utterly conscious, but you’ve got no control over that grill any damn way. Talk about broken? That thing is annihilated.
And why did it all happen? Because you thought it might be fun to spark up a J, but you wanted to obey the law and then some. You wanted to drive 21 miles an hour under the speed limit, and the guy behind you, who just so happened to have an appointment, well, he wasn’t the patient type.
Here’s the deal kids, drugs and horror are bad. No two ways about it. But the rebel in me screams for the youth of today to be bad. To be downright rotten. TP your neighbor’s house. Light that bag of dog shit on fire before you ring the bell. Stick a banana in that asshole’s tailpipe. And most importantly, learn the ins and outs of the rebellious craft by first reading your guide to drugs and horror, appropriately titled, Say No to Drugs.